Bull

I'm finding it so hard to put down what's bothering me without coming across as a heartless money centred selfish cow. But been as money has basically fucked up my whole year why should it be any different now?!

Started the year with having to leave uni due to rent arrears (because of the way the government work out housing benefit). To it taking almost 4 months for the government yet again to decide I'm finally eligible for JSA ten days before I get a job! For the childminder to screw us all over with her disgusting attitude and approach to her work. To then be fired from my job for "absenteeism" being too high (btw I was off sick when they rang me to tell me this, I had food poisoning!). To having to go to court over my home and facing the possibility of eviction. To finding a new job. To tax credits stopping my money because some tit can't actually do his job and me falling behind in my rent and childcare. To tax credits not back paying me the £200 but adding on £10 per month to my tax credits (thanks for fucking me over). Which means my housing benefit is less, which means I have to pay out more weekly in rent which means I can barely afford my rent and childcare as well as get our food and electric/gas each week. 

That basically sums up the past 8 months. 

This year is one of the shittest I've ever had. No wonder I'm stress eating. No wonder I'm fat. No wonder I'm going grey. And that's just the money troubles. 

Ash's attitude towards me the past two months has been disgusting. She had moments of being her amazing self, through big patches of being a horror. And of course no one believes me as she's good as gold for them and when we're out in public. She ignores me, tells me she's not listening, won't do as she's told, will purposely do the opposite of what she's told. And I swear she purposely does stupid stuff to give me a heart attack, she runs off towards car parks, wanders into a road whilst I'm grabbing her back from stepping off the curb. I have no idea what's brought on this shitty attitude of hers but it can stop. I want my nice child back. I want my loving child back. I want my Ashleigh back. 

I don't want a lot from life ATM. I just want to have a job, come home to a nice place, have my amazingly kindhearted girl back, and for one thing to just not fuck up for a month, heck I'd take a week!!

There have been some amazing things happen this year. But the crap is out-shadowing ATM. Maybe if things go smoothly for a while I will reminisce about the good thing this year. 

Troubled Times

I've been struggling for some time to try and blog. It was a way to vent and to let off steam when things were getting tough. And things are tough at the minute, but the things going on I don't want to tell everyone about. A select few friends or family know what I'm going through at the minute, and are doing well of keeping my spirits up and I really appreciate it.

It is times like this though that make me realise what few friends I actually have. As I've grown up and as Ash has got older a lot of the people I've considered friends have grown apart. I feel alone a lot of the time anyway, because I am literally alone the majority of the time. Some "friends" aren't interested in talking to me or seeing me if I can't go out on the piss. Others don't bother talking to me at all because in the past I've had to say no a lot to going out because of a serious lack of money. Others have moved on in their own lives and got married and had more children, whereas I'm still the lone parent bringing up one child. 

I'm still single so I don't have a partner to turn to to console in, or just to spend quiet time with. It's amazing how much you can miss sitting quietly on the sofa watching a film, curled up with someone you love. Miss stupid chatter with. Miss doing the chores with! I was hoping at my age to have at least gotten engaged, maybe moved in with someone. Been thinking of having another child. Instead, I'm alone, watching a film, wishing I had someone to talk to. 

Friends say they're always there for you, but don't reply if you want to talk. I've given up trying half the time because it's worse being ignored by people you thought were there for you, than actually knowing you're alone. I know I'm alone I deal with this fact daily.

I often have people say "but you've got Ash" they have NO idea what it's like to raise a child completely alone, to be making all the important decisions alone. Come bed time, I'm sat alone in a quiet living room with nobody to talk to. 

Yes this is a self loathing post, yes I'm whinging about some things people may be grateful for. But I literally have nowhere else to turn. 

                                            

  

Sleep, and lack of it!

I've been having trouble sleeping for quite some time, I can stay awake for 2-3 days at a time. Of course I'm knackered and zombiefied for the majority of this time, but I'm still awake. Recently I'd been able to sleep again normally, getting at least 6 hours a night, which is unusual for me at the best of times. But the past couple of days it's been a struggle again.
Last "night" I didn't get to sleep until after 4am, then I was awake from 7:30. I've been on the go all day.
⚫ School run, 8:45 until 9:15
⚪ Came home and began sorting out my room. I did LOADS! I've thrown out two bin bags of stuff I don't use or didn't even know I owned. I've got one basket left to sort out. Anything that doesn't have a "home" will be thrown. I did this all day. Sorting, throwing, cleaning, dusting, crafting. Next thing I knew it was time for the school run!
⚫ School run 2:30 until 3:45. I headed out slightly earlier than normal, mainly because I didn't want to lose track of time again. But it was lovely and sunny so thought I'd make the most of the warmth outside!

While I was waiting for the school gates to open, I had a phone call from my personal advisor. (I'd sent her an email last week about ways of gaining experience in areas I don't currently have any, but she's been off poorly) I told her I'd been offered a job, guaranteed hours, everything! Said contract was sorted between childminder and myself. We originally had an appointment booked for tomorrow but she has to go into hospital so couldn't keep it, but instead offered me an appointment if I could make it up to the job centre before 4pm. So I had to run home from the school, grab my purse, proof of childcare contract and costs, run up to town and get to the job centre. Was sat down by 3:45 which I think was good been as Ash didn't get out until 3:25.
⚪ All our paperwork was sorted, childcare paperwork for first week to be paid for, "better off calculation" then she asked if I needed any clothing to start work. My mind went blank so I said jeans and shoes. So I got a voucher for two pairs of jeans and either boots/ shoes or trainers from Matalan.
⚫Slight detour on the way home, 4:45 until 5:30 we was at Matalan.

By the time we got home we were both shattered! Ashleigh didn't want to do anything but watch a DVD, and I just needed to lie down as I had a headache! (Was very proud of myself for not falling asleep at that point which I quite often do if I'm tired at a random time, which doesn't help my bad sleep patterns!)
Ash only wanted Pasgetti for dinner, so I ping'd that and ping'd myself a mini pizza.
The rest of the evening I flitted between craft stuff and cleaning, as well as some organisational things for Scentsy.

Then the wall hit at 8pm, I was struggling to stay awake but needed to to get Ash off to bed! She wanted to watch Batman before bed, so I put it on in the living room and left her to it. When it finished I realised I hadn't seen her sneak into my room for some time, she'd fell asleep on the armchair all cuddled up! She looked so sweet. So I put her to bed.
NOW is the time I should be going to sleep, I should be shattered, beyond shattered after not stopping all day! But I'm now awake. Sure my body feels tired and I'm a little brain dead. But my mind can't switch off again for me to be able to fall asleep. Maybe if I did the last basket that'll bore me to sleep!

Really should go to the doctors about my lack of sleep :/
Wish I slept as much as Ashleigh!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel!

Finally I can see the light at the end I the tunnel. This light disappeared in January, returned February, then disappeared again until Friday.
If you've been reading my posts you'll know I've been struggling recently with one thing or another, the worst being finding a job. I applied everywhere, for anything, with no success.
The annual stress of whether my car would pass its MOT came, wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. And like last year I went to Sureparts to get the things needed to fix it and took them to my (amazingly brilliant) Dad so he could fix my car ready for the re-test. It was then that my (epically awesome) Dad said I should apply for a job at Sureparts, I have experience with shop work and now I'm old enough to be a driver for companies now. The next day I took in my CV, and left wondering if I'd hear back from them at all. The day after this I was sat in the MOT centre while my car was being retested, being nosey on Facebook (as I often am), and was thinking to myself when I may hear from Sureparts. It was freaky really because at that exact same time my phone rang with an interview offer for the next lunch time!! Honestly I was just so excited to be invited for an interview I let everyone know! Took me ages to decide what to wear for my interview, as always, and headed out to my interview.
(This is what i ended up wearing, i didn't want to go too girly!)

I thought it would be one of the managers interviewing me but it was one of the co-owners!!! He'd read my CV and was impressed with my experience and that I'd volunteered. Interview didn't even last 10 minutes but I left with a good feeling, and was told I'd know by the end of the day if I was successful. TWO HOURS later I get a phone call and a job offer!! I stayed as calm as I could on the call, but as soon as it ended I was jumping around the house dancing and laughing, trying to call and text as many people as I could, forgetting the majority of people to be quite honest in the excitement! I quite literally fell into this job, thanks to my (genius lovely) Dad suggesting it to me! The best thing is its FULL TIME hours, Mondays to Fridays and every other Saturday, no late finishes, guaranteed hours, bonus opportunities, and still the time to spend with Ash as she grows!
As you can probably tell I'm so thankful for my Dad, not only for fixing my car (again), but for suggesting this job to me. Sounds silly but I forget I'm over 25 now with a full driving licence so can do jobs like this!!

The light at the end of the tunnel that had disappeared not so long ago, is getting brighter each day. I'm ecstatic I've got a job. And this will help a lot of the other things fall into place. I just need to try and stay positive about the things that will get better, but will take time too.

Bit Lost

With everything going on at the moment I've felt a bit lost with everyday life. Finding it hard to get up and do normal everyday things because I know things aren't normal.

My sleep is all over the place because my mind is working overtime trying to mentally get a grip on everything. I am either awake until 7am then manage to get 3-4 hours until Ash gets up. Or I fall asleep about 10-11pm and am awake again by 3am. Both leave me drained and grouchy! I've been tempted to go and get sleeping pills from the doctor but have heard bad things about how the effect you, and if Ash needs me in the night will I be able to help her when I've taken a sleeping tablet? I know my doctor could answer all these questions for me but I guess I'm nervous about them asking even more questions and wanting to put me back on anti-depressants.

I'm still searching high and low for a job, without much luck. I honestly haven't for a clue why, I've got loads of experience and good qualifications, suppose in this climate people are nervous to hire. Who can blame them. But I hate being on benefits and wish I could get a job, pay my bills, and be able to afford to go out once in a blue moon. I've not been out with friends since CHRISTMAS EVE!! Me and Ash haven't done anything like a day trip for a long time.

I love that I do Scentsy, the money I earn from that is our "fun money" and I treat me and Ash to something little like a pizza, or Macdonalds, and put the rest into her savings account so we can do something fun in a few months. I love promoting a product I believe in and love myself! I hav used Scentsy myself for a long time, and because its a fairly new product in England I love showing it to new people. Not only that but the team I'm in are all fantastic. They're sweet and supportive and my Sponsor is an angel! They're more friends than colleagues.

I am worried though. I think Ash can tell I'm not myself, that I'm not happy mummy very much at the moment. She makes me cry when she turns to me and says "I just want you to be happy mummy" and "are you happy with me" I hate to think that she believes that my unhappiness is because of her, yes, she may drive me crazy, make me want to pull my hair out. But she is MY daughter and I love her unconditionally. Even though its been a hard 5 and a bit years I wouldn't change it for the world.

I'm trying to claw back normal life piece by piece, and I think I'm slowly getting there. Even if its just getting back on top of housework, or being able to sit down for ten minutes without thinking about the bad things too much.
I think the hardest thing is I'm alone. Yes I have Ashleigh here, but fundamentally I'm alone. I don't have a partner to turn to an talk about my concerns and worries, I seem to have lost my network of friends and can't turn to one and just cry about all the shit I've got built up inside. During the day when Ash is at school, I've got nobody to talk to, nobody to visit. When she comes home I cook dinner, watch a film with her and put her to bed. Then I'm alone again. I can't go visit anybody because I haven't got anyone here to look after Ash while I go see someone. I've got nobody here to talk to. Makes things worse knowing I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I prefer to be alone. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person. I'm glad I get EVERY weekend with Ashleigh and don't have to share her with her dad. I like that I'm the decision maker; if I say no it means no, she's got nobody to turn to and play us against each other. But a lot of the time I wish I had support. I had someone the other day say "you have support" and to call them if I need support. But if Ash starts misbehaving, me calling someone up to help deal with her isn't really helping. It shows her I can't cope and will make her act out more because she knows she can push me. I can really win either way but is prefer to deal with discipline myself, to let Ashleigh know what I say goes and if she doesn't stick to the rules she will miss out (either on films or sweets or chocolates until her behaviour improves). But again, if I had a partner, he could help me with this, if I needed it. I know what I've just said is somewhat contradictory but that's how life, and raising a child is. It's hard to find a decent guy who is willing to bring up your child as his own. (Even harder when she doesn't see her dad at all so I never have any set "down time") you see lairs taking on their boyfriends children all the time, even If they only see their children at weekends the girlfriends are still a big part of this child's life. It's harder to find a guy who will do that. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. Maybe if I actually had a life outside of this flat I might meet someone.

Mutual friends who take a fancy to me, either want only one thing, and are then surprised when I say no. (Just because I have a child doesn't mean I'm a slut.) or have a partner of their own and ask me to be a bit in the side. WHY would they think I'd like that? It's like saying, you're good, but not good enough.
I have a child to think about. She has a hard enough time trusting men because of what her dads put her through. I've had one boyfriend since me and Ashleigh's dad broke up, and he was fantastic, with me and Ash. Understanding of our situation, and most of all, Ash loved him. Now I'm not sure why exactly he ended the relationship. And it was hard trying to get over it whilst Ash was still asking to see him. Me and him still talk, he was supportive to me while Ash had her surgery and during her recovery afterwards. And we've spoke about going for a drink together. I've said yes, but I'm scared. What if I see him and it opens the box I closed. What if feelings come back and he just wants to be friends. What if he wants to get back together, I'll worry that 8 months down the line it'll all happen again. I know you never know until you actually meet up. I've got close to actually setting a date now but chickened out at the last minute.
Anyway I'm ranting on. Writing down each thought that comes into my head without caring what is actually being said. I don't even know if this makes sense but I'm hoping I'll feel better for writing it.

Frustration.

I haven't posted for a while. Things have been a little hectic here. And so stressful. I've been trying so hard to get work sorted but to no avail. This post is going to let you know why I've been hiding away from posting for a few weeks.

Ever get the feeling you're being messed around? Ever have that feeling for months on end? That's exactly how I feel, how I have been feeling since the beginning of February!
I've been searching for a job since I had to leave uni in January. I was offered a job 16th January, and completed the training by the 1st February. My Enhanced Disclosure CRB came back about 3 weeks after that. Originally I needed 3 references, two of which needed to be character. I knew all my references had been submitted, but I was being asked for extra references. In the end I'd given 5 references but no guaranteed start date or number of hours per week!
I quickly started losing all interest and patience with this and started emailing repeatedly for some sort of news. Eventually had a reply saying my details would be passed to the managers for me to have an orientation meeting, and I would have a call the next day. FIVE days later I get a call, and a week later we have our orientation meeting. Still no start date, still no guarantee of the minimum 16 hours I need every week.
The very last straw for me was this weekend. I had arranged childcare to go and do some shadowing, and was waiting for a text to give me the address where I was to meet the other carer. Still hadn't heard from them by 11am on the day of the shadowing, so I messaged them. I still hadn't heard anything by an hour before I was due to start. So I cancelled the childcare and spent the night in with Ashleigh. I never received and notification or message to say that the other carer couldn't make it. I still haven't heard from them. To be very honest I don't want to work for a company who can't organise themselves to get a carer to begin work!
And now it's Easter break. Ash is off school for 2 weeks and with them not guaranteeing my 16 hours I have no childcare allowance. I have to apply or a type of childcare that isn't guaranteed and can be denied by the Job Centre. What childminder would look after Ashleigh without knowing if they're even going to be paid at the end of the month?!
So I've decided to go back to the job agency I signed up with and get some work with them. I will have guaranteed hours and a job for as long as I want it.
What's more important is I will have a regular income and a chance to save money to get me back into university.
As much as I would love the original job I've been waiting months to start, I need to think sensibly. I need regular income, hours and the knowledge I can pay my bills.
I still do my Scentsy, and am doing very well with it. I love having extra cash that I can use to treat myself and Ashleigh with. The money comes in handy when I can't rely on the maintenance payments. And it's something I love. I do hope as my business builds I can afford to work less!

I'm also saving to attend college an do a nail technicians course. Loads of people complement me on my nails and designs, and it's something I love doing so love the idea of creating beautiful nails for other people!

Working on Things

Been a bit quiet recently. Working on getting things back in order, and Ash was poorly last week so had my hands full!

I wanted to give a little plug to my venture I'm doing, some of you already know I'm a Scentsy Consultant. I'm trying to broaden my customers as I think Scentsy is a fantastic alternative to candles. I was so excited to hear it was available in England!

"Before I found Scentsy I loved scented candles, had them in every room. One day I went out and come home to find one still lit, I was so lucky there wasn't a fire!
When I had my daughter my worry then wasn't just leaving one lit when out of the house, it was the worry of her pulling one onto her or trying to touch the flame! The idea of the flame and the soot around my baby made me scared to use candles for anything more than decoration.
When burning candles the soot and wax from the candle being burned collects on your walls, furniture and upholsteries...we even breathe it in! It made me more determined not to use a candle again!
After looking for safe alternatives I found Scentsy!! I immediately fell in love with the products, the variety of scents...and the fact it's not just limited to wax!!
I love my job because I can share my story and the amazing products with people who may have not known the option was there. I can help raise funds for non profit organisations and give something back!
I have Scentsy in my home, my car, even my daughter has a Scentsy Buddy!
I've found the Scentsy team I'm in to be more of a family and this I want to share with everybody.
Try it! You'll wonder where you was before you found Scentsy!"

With Scentsy there are no flames, which makes it immediately safer than candles! There are so many scents available and it's so easy to change which one you want in your warmer, and takes so much less space to store a bar than it does to store a candle! Then there are the savings you can make by switching to Scentsy!

There are so many warmers to choose from, you're bound to find one to suit your taste and your decor! I've got 4 in my home, Silvervine in my bedroom, Jet in my living room, Tilia in my bathroom and Tiara in Ash's room. I only have 1-2 warming at the same time, but alternate which ones are warming. The scent spreads nicely throughout my home and people comment how nice it smells when they walk in!

I have a website too which you can order directly from, or you can come to my parties that I have at home, with games and giveaways too.
www.cara-scents-you-love.scentsy.co.uk

I also have a Facebook page where I update with the parties and other news Scentsy related!
https://www.facebook.com/CaraScentsYouLove

Honestly if you love Scented candles, and just things that smell nice in general you will love Scentsy as much as I do!

There is also the opportunity to hold your own Scentsy parties where you can earn free and half priced items! Just comment on the Facebook page if you're interested!

Procrastination

I wrote a post the other day about having a child free day, not knowing what to do with myself for the time where I had no "moooooom mom mom mom mummy mum mom mummy" every few minutes!
I was editing a picture to put with the post, and never posted it. That child free day was yesterday, and I ended up sleeping ALL day! Little bit annoyed that I didn't get anything done, but liked the fact I was able to get some sleep!
I've been putting off organising my bedroom all week, I'm sorting through boxes of stuff and throwing loads of things away. I just don't have the patience to sit there and do it at the moment, so my house looks nice, if you avoid my bedroom! I've recently re-organised the living room/kitchen, and Ash's room. And my room always gets started but doesn't ever get properly finished.
I'm hoping I get the motivation up to do it soon, I don't like living in mess.
Urgh and the washing up! I HATE IT! Can't wait until I've saved some money and can get a dishwasher. I was supposed to use my birthday money to get one, but that ended up going on bills because I had no other income.
It can be rubbish being a grown up.

The pictures are from our flat, shows the reorganisation of our flat and a few things I've done in my room. You can spot my room, it's the messiest in the pictures!

Feedback

I am over the moon with the feedback I'm getting. People are emailing me, messaging me over Facebook and commenting on there also.
You're all being so kind about what I'm writing. Those who have known me for a few years don't know has been happening in my life and the comments you are giving me are lovely.
I've had a hard time recently and just the fact you're taking the time to read my posts means a lot. Saying that I'm strong. I'm really not. I've been dealt a hand and I'm learning how to live with it. There are points where I've had to do and witness some not nice things, and at the time I went onto an autopilot. People have asked me how I do it, my reply is often "if I didn't we wouldn't be here now"
Looking back at what's happened is surprising, even for me! I can't believe how much has happened in a short space of time. And to be quite honest I'm scared what the next 5 years will bring us!
Thank you for all your feedback, and for taking the time to read my blog.

Lost...but slowly being found

Recently, with having to leave university and waiting to start my job, I've been feeling a little lost.
I've been trying to fill my time by experimenting with nail polish and nail art. It's something I've always enjoyed but never had the patience for before. Many of you who are on my Facebook or Instagram may be fed up of seeing so many nail pictures, but it's what is keeping me same at the minute. If I'm sat here concentrating on one thing, for a short while I forget everything else.


The past few months have been the hardest since May 2007. And I was honestly very close to breaking point. Things are slowly getting to the point where I can see the light again. Small things that I am able to do mean a lot to me. Silly things like I was able to buy Ash a new notepad and some pencils so she can practice her writing still. And saw some nail polish on sale so treated myself. Silly little things like that mean a hell of a lot and some take it for granted, I know I used to.
Life is slowly getting back on track and that I am grateful for.

These are some things my mum has taught me:

• if you ever want to get anywhere in life, you work hard for it. She managed to raise 3 kids, return to uni, and meet my stepdad and they've been happily married about 12 years now. She's got a good job and is happy. The only person this rule doesn't apply to is my older brother. He's a lucky bastard! He seems to have all the luck! (But he also worked hard at his qualifications to be in the position to get lucky where work is concerned)
• don't go looking for love or happiness it will find you. Case in point, my mum was at university and met my stepdad. They way they tell their story is amazing "we had a date and he just never left" but you can see through the jokes and silliness they're still madly in love.
•  take time for you. Take time for family. When I was a teenager, until I got pregnant with Ashleigh I was very selfish and self centred. The only thing that mattered was me. It caused problems and arguments between all of us as a family. But finding out I was pregnant, then living in the hostel for 6 months I learnt that there were more important things. Me and my mum speak every day. She's my rock. I call her up and have a good rant and rave and we have a laugh. We see each other at least once a week. 7 years ago if you put us in the same house we probably would've killed each other!
•  appreciate what you have as you never know how much longer it'll last.

But the most important thing she's taught me is that family is what matters most. Family are there for you when nobody else is. You shit on your family, but realise your mistake and apologise, they will still be there for you. But at the same time there comes a point where you get fed up of being treated like rubbish by a family member. There's only so much you can take as a person. As a family. I realised this luckily before it got too late, and the relationships with most of my family are really good, and strong. Me and my mum get along great. I also know I can turn to my stepdad if I need help or advice. And my dad, he's brilliant. I've always been a daddy's girl, and the older I get the better it is! I can ask him the most random stuff, turn up at his house unannounced, and he doesn't mind (well he does when he comes home from work and I'm there using his Internet when mine was cut off!) he's been there for us when we've needed help, our boiler broke, we stayed at his, we ran out of gas/electric he gives us money to get more or let's us stay at his until we are paid. What surprises me most is that he hasn't changed his locks since giving me the key (I'm serious I'm round there some weeks more than I'm at my own home!)
We are a close family, we get along (majority of the time) and we stick together. We've been through some rough times individually and as a family, but I think that's brought us even closer.
Sometimes you don't realise how much love and support you actually have from your family until you ask for it. Took me a long time to ask for help, now I know how it is to have a supportive family it makes me wonder why I didn't reach out to them sooner!

As I've said before, what my mum taught me, I hope to teach Ashleigh. When she turns around and tells me "I don't need a daddy, I've got my mummy and she's awesome" makes me realise I'm doing well. And at the age of 4 turns round and says "my daddy doesn't see me, he's a nasty man" makes me think that even though he isn't spoken of at all, and in our eyes is nothing more than a donor , she knows something isn't right about the fact her dad doesn't make the time to see her.
I know that sentence may not sit right with a few of you, but that is the easiest way to put what her dad has been to her. She doesn't know him, he doesn't know her. He walked away and Ash came up with the fact that her friends have daddies they see and she doesn't have a daddy so he must be a nasty man. I ask her why she thinks that he's nasty, and she replied "because he doesn't want to see me" how can you argue with that really?
I'm going to have a tough time explaining when she's older just where he is. Why he walked away. Because other than a pathetic solicitor letter that tries to pass the blame, I don't know myself.


This picture melts my heart. She drew herself, then me, wrote our names, and put a heart "because we does love each other don't we mummy"

Sleeping Troubles

And no, not just me. I always have trouble sleeping.
It's Ashleigh! Every night without fail she's up at least once. Tonight it's been 7 times. I thought by 5 years old she would be past this. She feigns being poorly, having a bad dream, just wants a hug. And sometimes it's just so hard to tell whether she's telling the truth or not.

Take tonight for example, three hours of trying to convince her it was bed time, she went to bed. Then she was up 5 times asking for milk but each time I got up to get it she had fallen asleep so didn't want it sitting there. The one time she was awake she took the milk, 45 minutes later she's asking me for milk, she hadn't realised I had already given it to her!!

She gets a good amount of sleep overall once she does settle. But it leaves me even worse off than usual. It takes a lot for me to fall asleep at the minute, and usually when I'm nodding off she will wake up. Or she will sneak in my bed not long after I've fallen asleep. For someone so small she takes up a hell of a lot of space!!

It's now 4:05am and I'm writing this blog post. I should be sound asleep but I'm not. I'm lay here wondering if she's going to get up again. Worrying if I fall asleep that I will miss my alarm in the morning and be late to my appointment. Worrying if I fall asleep will she sneak into my bed?

Does anyone else have problems like this? I thought by now they would be non-existent! I was hoping school would settle her sleeping but it hasn't changed at all.

Thinking back the last time she slept so well was when we went to Butlins on holiday last year. She fell asleep as soon as she went to bed, and was up again 8am the next morning for breakfast and on the go all day!!

Such a relief

As some of you already know, I started university back in September 2012 to become an adult nurse. Unfortunately because of the arse backwards way the government say what is reasonable to live off and how much rent you should pay as a lone parent and a student is ridiculous.
My income each month was my NHS bursary, half of that went on childcare. The other part paid the monthly bills and then there was nothing left until the next month. Unfortunately the government just saw it as I had more money than before, therefore I can afford more rent. I showed them that my income and expenditure meant that I couldn't afford this amount, and three times asked for it to be recalculated. They basically wanted it so that I paid childcare and rent and other important things like car insurance, petrol, gas, electric and food were unaffordable. How is this an acceptable way to do things? They complain about the amount of people on benefits, but won't be reasonable to those furthering their education to get off benefits. How is this fair?!
I was basically given the choice between staying at university, or being evicted due to rent arrears whilst sorting this out (well attempting to anyway) NOBODY should ever have to make this choice. I spoke to someone at uni and they said about intercalating, I could leave for a period of time and then return and still be able to finish before the cut off. Thought this was a brilliant idea as I could work to get some savings up so I could afford rent while at uni, and hopefully keep one shift per week going to cover rent also.
I went for this options and applied for job seekers allowance while I looked for work. Knew I wouldn't need it for long and it was only so I could afford my bills in the interim between finishing uni and starting work. Thought it would be easy to sort out. How wrong was I!
They said they wouldn't allow me to claim as I was still a student, but admitted they didn't know what the word intercalated meant. I told them, they reassessed it. Came to the same conclusion. I looked for ways to get money to pay my bills but couldn't get anything. Student finances were saying I wasn't a student so not eligible for anything, DWP were saying I was a student so wasn't eligible for anything. The whole situation as messed up. And still every fortnight I had to go sign on, sit next to the same dossers, bullshitting the system and getting away with it, and being paid the whole time. Here was me, actually actively looking for work, having interviews, being told I wasn't eligible for the same benefits as the dossers.

It became so stressful I started getting sick. I couldn't sleep or eat. I was so emotional all the time. I was still being threatened with eviction because my "rent advisor" hadn't noted down what I had said in any previous conversations so it looked like I was ignoring every letter.
I then got "notice of court action" through my door. I was so upset and furious at the same time. I called my housing association the next morning and got a different rent advisor. It was then I found out that no conversations had been recorded. Even though I had called them at least once a week to let them know my situation and what was going on as far as benefits were concerned. It was this advisor that informed me of "underlying entitlement" where my housing and council tax benefit would be recalculated to my temporary income and it would stop and more rent arrears occurring. Why couldn't I have been told this a month ago?! MADNESS!!

I have to say at this point, I left uni on 3/1/13 had a telephone interview on 11/1/13 and a face to face interview on 16/1/13 where I was offered a job on successful completion of work training. I then did the four days of training between 29/1/13 and 1/2/13. So I knew I wouldn't need benefits for long. I knew that when I need a job, I get one quickly.

I was getting to the point in the whole process where I was getting very depressed, about everything. I couldn't see any way out of my situation. I had £82.60 to pay every bill, get all our food, and as we are on pre-payment gas and electric meters I couldn't just leave them with no money on. I had one week where I had to choose between food or gas.
If I had been getting JSA, I would've had another £71 per week on top of that to pay bills etc. also when the temperature averaged at 0 or below for the week I would've got cold weather payments of around £20 per week. Trust is to snow really bad in the middle of this whole process!! I went through £20 of gas in one week. That is when I had to choose between gas and food. Why should someone have to be in that position. Why should someone's child have to see their mum so upset and so depressed that every weekend she struggled to get out of bed as she didn't see the point. Where most days where spent in floods of tears, and she felt guilty because she couldn't even do anything with her child as the means to do so just weren't there.

Then last week I was told the decision makers had said (yet again) that I was still a student. Even though I had fully withdrawn from uni at this point as I couldn't go another month with no money. I was getting to the point where I wouldn't be able to afford next months car insurance. If I didn't have my car, I wouldn't be able to start the job I had been offered as I needed a car to do it. My personal advisor was furious (this whole time she had been fighting for me and keeping on top of everything as she knew I should be getting this and it was stupid that I wasn't) we had sent proof of my full withdrawal from uni, so why were they saying this?

I had to make yet another call. The person I got through to wondered why they had said that I wasn't eligible when the proof was there in black and white. He said I would get a call in the morning and will demand the decision makers reevaluate their decision and make immediate payment to me.
The next morning, 9:15 I was told that it had been sent back to the decision maker, as the proof was there, and they may not have seen it. She then called me again, around lunch, saying that there was some hopeful news, but a few more questions that need to be answered and I will be getting a call off her colleague to go through this with me. Just hearing the word hopeful was fantastic, but said to my mum that I'm not hoping for much at all! Around 1, I had the final call of the day. 12/2/13 they finally said yes, we can see you are no longer a student and you are eligible for JSA, but as my bursary used to be calculated as monthly they won't backdate it to 3/1/13 as the bursary should've lasted me until 16/1/13. He said a payment had been made for the backdated amount and will be in my account that afternoon.

YES! Finally I was able to get the money I was entitled to. I could pay my bills that were late because of having no money, and knew my bills for the rest of the month would be covered by this money.

I'm still awaiting a start date for my job. Because of the nature of the job I have had to wait for my CRB to come back, and all my references too.

I JUST opened the letter with my CRB in. And hopefully my references won't be far behind. Then all I will have to do is get my uniform, a start date and then I'm sorted!!

Never have I been so happy to be told I'm getting a benefit payment (I HATE being on benefits)
Never have I been so happy to get my CRB back in the post. I knew it was clean as my record has always been clean!
Let just say, I'm happy to be finally getting back onto the right track. Even if it was at the expense of my nursing.

Next time I should try and use this logic...

Budgeting Blog...

The previous weekend I realised all my planning had been futile. I had forgotten to plan lunch for me and Ash at the weekends! Ash is eligible for free school meals, so I don't have to worry about it during the week, and I rarely eat lunch.
Luckily for me I had bought 2 extra jacket potatoes, incase I wanted mash with one of our meals. We had enough cheese for Ash's potato, and I had tuna as the leftover tuna would be used on Mondays evening meal.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT LUNCHES!!
Seems silly but I did it! If I regularly ate lunch, I would do two, four weekly meal plans. One for dinners, one for lunch.

This is just a mini update post.
I'm writing my meal plan post tomorrow.
How I chose meals, what I tried to include each week, etc.

Anyway....

Here's a picture of a pug with a moustache.

A little more history...

WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS A LOT OF SWEAR WORDS!
It's also very long!

In my previous Blog "A Journey Back In Time..." We ended where Ash was fit free, and her dad was completely out of the picture.
I thought getting her seizures under control would be the beginning of the end. We had to get to at least 2 years fit free before the consultant would reduce, and then stop her medication. This was our next goal.

This goal was one of the hardest, every time she had a growth spurt, she would start having absences (petit-mal seizures) she would zone out completely, sometimes her breathing would go a little funny, and she would come round confused and disorientated. Each time this started happening, we had to go see her consultant and increase her medication. This was getting us further away from our end goal! Sound selfish, but I wanted her clear by the time she went to school because I didn't want her embarrassed by seizing infront of her friends and wetting or messing herself (she did at least one of these things when she fitted) but also when I was looking at nurseries, I saw one attached to a school and the head teacher told me that Ash would be put on the special needs register and have different things than her friends and when she began school she would be in different classes. This to me was completely unfair. Her seizures were well controlled. She hadn't had a grand-mal seizure in a long while and was only at risk of seizures when she was sick, and if she was sick she wouldn't be in nursery in the first place. Safe to say she didn't go to that nursery, or that school.

A little time went by and she was doing well, no seizures, no absences. But she refused to take her medication,I was having to restrain her every time, it was horrible. With advice from her consultant we stopped her evening medication and monitored her closely. She was fantastic, no problems. 3 months later we reduced her morning medication. 3 months after that it stopped completely. Smack bang on 2 years from her last seizure. Her last seizure was 7am on 30th November 2010. 3 months after this she was signed off from her consultant. We was warned that seizures could return at any age and not always with a warning- and with her history of febrile convulsions too she was at risk of those too until she's around 6-7 years old. I was so relieved, this was the end of her medical problems.

How wrong could I be!!

It had to be within a month of her being signed off from her epilepsy, she began to find it difficult to eat certain things. She would gag and not eat much of her food- for someone as small as her this wasn't good.
She began to get a temperature. SHIT. Suppose the only we are lucky with is that her medical history she get an emergency appointment so quickly! We were seen, given antibiotics, and said she had tonsillitis. She couldn't even swallow her medicine as her throat was so swollen. Took 2 days for her to be able to swallow it. She was having water or very weak squash as she was sticking everything else up and couldn't swallow any solids. I was ready to take her to hospital, she was getting no better and I was so worried, she lost so much weight so quickly. Then it seemed like overnight she picked up. Taking her medicine well, and over the following days made a full recovery.
A month later she began being violently sick at 5am, at 7am it was green bile. Straight on the phone to NHS Direct, straightaway told to take her to hospital. SHIT. Luckily (in a way) we now lived a mile from the hospital and I had a car and could drive. She was seen so fast, admitted to the children's ward and monitored closely. She wasn't passing fluids, she was getting a temperature, and still bringing up bile. The nurses were amazing, explained so nicely that it may be a blockage and she was going to be booked in for a scan to see if there was anything visible. Within 2 hours, she had picked up and drinking(and tolerating) squash. Craziness. We don't know what caused it, it may have been a small blockage that was dislodged by itself. She was deemed well enough to go home and after 15 hours at hospital we finally got our paperwork and was on our way.
A month later she was really bad again, swollen throat, couldn't eat, temperature. Went to the GP, he diagnosed tonsillitis (can you see the recurring theme here?) and gave us a prescription. I asked him to make a referral to the hospital for her to have a tonsillectomy, this was no way for her to be living. She was missing so much nursery, I was missing college, she was losing what little weight she actually had. He said he wouldn't until she had been suffering for at least a year. A YEAR!! I said she had been in every month in the past 3 months, diagnosed with tonsillitis every time. I said her sleeping was effected, she snored loudly and often struggled to catch her breath whilst sleeping. I also told him she was in my room as I feared she would die in the middle of the night because she would not be able to catch her breath. I also asked him if tonsillitis could've caused her previous febrile problems, and added to her inability to put on much weight. Amazingly he changed his mind! He referred us to the hospital to see an ENT specialist to discuss surgery.
Six weeks later we had our appointment at our local hospital. They asked questions, said she was eligible for surgery, and weighed her. SHIT. She needed to be 15kg for them to perform the surgery, she was 12.9kg. He asked the surgeon if he was happy to do the procedure, he said yes. It was then left to the anaesthesiologist, an agonising 3 weeks later he said no, he wasn't comfortable with the risks involved with surgery on someone as small as her. DOUBLE SHIT. We were referred to the children's hospital. Another 6 weeks passed and we hadn't heard anything. I started chasing them up, and they were fantastic and explained how busy they was and was finding it difficult to get appointments out to everyone within the normal 6 week period. She asked how much noticed I needed to be able to attend an appointment, I said an hour. 3 days later, at 4pm I had a call asking us to attend an appointment at 11am the following morning. RESULT! Surgeon was lovely. Explained the procedure, complications that could happen, added complications because of her size. I asked how soon surgery would be done "within 8 weeks" SHIT. I explained I was starting university in September and its a very full on course. A lovely little conversation followed where he asked what I was doing, and said that nursing was hard enough without having to miss 2 weeks of your first semester. He agreed to perform the surgery 5th November 2012. The first day of my annual leave. Perfect. Means I could provide her with my undying attention. Any work would be done before her surgery so I won't stressing.
When I received the letter confirming the date I was relieved. She's having the surgery. As scared as I was, I knew it was best for her, and the only was to stop her being so sick all the time, and hopefully help her eat more foods without gagging on them or a fear of gagging on them!

So relieved about the news I thought we would go on holiday, heck we deserved one after what we had been through the past few years!
I booked 3 days, 2 nights in Minehead Butlins. The idea of a Butlins holiday filled me with dread but I thought Ash would love it, there would be plenty of stuff to keep us both busy, and it was right on the beach. I also planned a trip to Wookey Hole Caves on our return trip. That place always amazed me when I was younger and thought she would love it.
It would be my first holiday in 7 years, and Ash's first ever holiday. I bought suitcases, packed bags for the car trip. Got lots of snacks for the journey. As I had paid for food on our Butlins trip all we needed was lunch for those days. Loaf of bread, chocolate spread and crisps. Sorted!
The holiday was fantastic, we both loved it, saw lots of shows, live entertainment. Everything. I was actually sad we couldn't stay longer...shocking I know!

We went swimming on our last day, packed up the car and headed to Wookey Hole. Ash loved that too (apart from the witch at the start). We watched the waterfall for a while, climbed on the dinosaurs, and got an ice cream cone before heading back to the car.

Long journey home. I wasn't dreading it, I loved driving. But this turned out to be the worst drive home ever. It was hot, BOILING HOT. We had no air con. And 115miles from home, I smelled burning and our car was playing up. Pulled over for a while, couldn't see what was wrong. Car seemed ok going round the car park a few times.
My satnav decided to send us through Bristol city centre. It was then that I realised my car wasn't pulling off properly, was slow an unresponsive. 83 miles from home I pulled into a petrol station and again tried to see what was wrong. Thought maybe the car had overheated. Used the free water to cool it down. Didn't help. Called RAC, they sent help and I found out they had cancelled my policy (which they shouldn't have done, I was up to date with payments, and it's supposed to roll over to the next year unless you cancel or change the policy) the guy who came out to us was lovely, let us sit in his air conditioned van to cool down, told us our clutch was gone and my policy being cancelled there was nothing I could do without paying a huge sum of money (not helpful been as I had £20 to my name after our holiday!)
We then had the following conversation
Me: what if I drive like a learner?
RAC: what do you mean?
Me: you know how they're really annoying, take forever to get going or up to speed, go 40mph on a dual carriageway and take a silly amount of time to turn out of junctions.
He laughed at me, who can blame him! But I had to get home!!
RAC: actually that could work. Take it easy, don't go over 40mph or into 5th gear. You may have a few troubles at the motorway joining here, there's lots of roadworks. I'll follow you up to that point so I know you'll be ok, if not we will have to come to a plan b.
I got to the motorway without too much trouble. But then it was at a standstill. I sat with my car out of gear, and was one of the annoying people not moving very fast.
I had called my mum and cried like a baby at what was happening, and then that we was attempting to get home.
Once the traffic had started moving it was no trouble, coasted along at 40mph. Only problem was I had been awake so long, was hot, bothered and tired. I had all the windows open and glugging full fat cola and eating sweets like there's no tomorrow just to keep myself alert. Ash was sound asleep in the back, all the drama in Bristol and the heat had taken it out of her.
I FINALLY got home around 8pm and called my mum immediately. She was surprised but impressed I made it home and we were both safe. I then called my dad, told him what had happened and then continued to panic that my car was broken, I started uni in 2 weeks and had no money to get it fixed or buy a new car before I started. He was a lifesaver. Literally. He fronted the money for me to get my car fixed. And the next week it was in the garage. Wow. So much for a stress free holiday!
At least now I know I can get home with no clutch!!

Uni started 3rd September 2012
School started 4th September 2012

We settled in nicely to our new places and routines.

Then the planning began.

I informed uni I would possibly be having the week after annual leave off due to her surgery, and not knowing how she would recover. They was fantastic.
I then informed her school that after half term she would be having 2 weeks off for her surgery, and gave them the letter for proof. (Unfortunate really that our annual leave and half term didn't happen at the same time)
I started thinking of everything we would need for at least one night in hospital. And the suitcase was packed and ready to go 4 weeks before her surgery date.

3 weeks before her surgery, I had a phonecall from school saying Ash was poorly and boiling hot and asked if I could collect her. I put paracetamol and the thermometer in the car and headed out. When I got there she was sleep in the middle of a noisy classroom and as red as a ripe tomato! I got her to the car, took her temperature. 39C. SHIT. Called the dr and had an appointment in around 40 minutes. Gave her paracetamol and headed home. Got her changed out of her uniform into some thin pyjamas so she wouldn't get too hot.
The doctor took her temperature, 41C. DOUBLE SHIT. Her temperature is supposed to come down not go up! The dr referred us straight to the children's ward at the hospital. No more than 10 minutes later we were there and she was 43C. FUCK. More antipyretics were given, and her temp came down to 40C. A throat swab was taken.
Long story short they stabilised her condition, gave her antibiotics and sent us home with open access to the ward if she took a bad turn.
A week later I had a call saying her swab came back showing she had Strep throat. This is even worse than tonsillitis, and was lucky we went in when we did really. Ash made a full recovery. But still doesn't like the orange medicine!

Before I knew it the date for surgery was here! I was up at 4am ON A MONDAY. That in itself should be illegal. I got Ash up, went and scraped the car (for the second time this morning) I had loaded the bags into the car the night before and only had to get myself, Ash and my handbag to the car.
We headed on our way and beat all the rush hour traffic. Had a space on the hospital car park and was then attempting to find out way round the maze that is Birmingham Children's Hospital.
We eventually found the ward, and was told there was no space for us but they had got a bed for us on another ward. Luckily a nurse took us there so we didn't have to get lost again!
Then the pre-op tests are done. Then Ash was weighed to determine how much general anaesthetic she would need. 14.5kg. WOW! Had put on more weight in 4 months than she had in the previous 18months!
I had explained to Ash what was happening today, taken a picture of the inside of her mouth to show her tonsils (or big red balls as she called them), told her she would be put to a special sleep and the doctor would take the big red balls out her mouth. Said it would be "hurty" for a little while but she would feel lots better after.
Ash was first on the list. 9:05am we began the walk down to surgery. We had brought a teddy with us, Ash and Ted were wearing matching gowns.

She walked down, holding her teddy under one arm and the nurses hand. I had to convince her to hold my hand, more for my benefit that anything! We went to the room and they were brilliant. Asked me what I would prefer, as she had been prepped for a cannula but had the choice of gas. I told them she has a fear of gas masks after the seizures they cannulated her in about 10seconds and began talking her through what she would feel as the gave her the general. They said she's a tough cookie as they nearly needed more anaesthetic to get her off, it was the last 1ml that did the trick! I gave her a kiss and left her in their capable hands. This was the hardest thing for me to do. I wanted to hold her hand, be there for her, and be the first person she saw as she woke up. I geared up a little but then thought no don't be stupid and stopped myself.
Me and the nurse chatted on the way back up to the ward, and she said she could tell Ash had been told what was going to happen, and that I was calm for her sake, even if I wasn't inside! And also what a huge difference it makes to the whole experience if the child knows what's happening.
I returned to the ward, half watched a film and half dozed off. It was so draining preparing for this moment. Before I knew it it was almost 10:30am, and she was back with me. She was still coming round from anaesthesia and was dosed up on morphine as well as about 4 other painkillers. 2 long hours she slept for. And wouldn't let go of my hand the whole time.
If you saw her when she woke up, you would never have believed she had just had her tonsils and adenoids out! She was chatting away, started eating lunch, and a lady went and got some paints and paper for her. It was amazing. Later that evening my mum and stepdad made their way up to see how she was. They bought her a babybel and she had us all in stitches because she made a clown nose and mouth for herself out of the wax. They also brought me food! I love anyone who brings me food but after 16 hours of no food I was about to chew my arm off! Lol

Night was a little more difficult but I kept an eye on timings, and requested medicine just before she would need it so it would be ready. The bed next to us had had the same operation but they weren't doing as well. And the mum kept saying to the child "if you don't shut up I'm going to go home and leave you here alone" great work, saying that to your child just after they've had surgery and are in pain!
The next day she was feeling very sorry for herself. Very cuddly and clingy to me. And they said this is normal. She was tolerating the pain well, and eating extremely well. So we were discharged that morning. Given medication and told dosages we were sent on our way. Around £20 in hospital parking and we was free!! Home before midday we curled up on the sofa and went to sleep. Bliss.

Ash recovered really well from surgery. But is finding it hard to adjust to not having to go to the doctors or hospital on a regular basis. But she's finally realised (6months later) that she doesn't need an ambulance or to go to hospital just because she has a cough.
For anyone who doesn't know, Ash has a huge obsession with ambulances, always has. She said she wants to be an ambulance when she's older. Not a paramedic, an ambulance!
She has put on a really good amount of weight and is currently having a growth spurt since having surgery. Her eating has improved significantly, and around 10days after surgery she had shepherds pie, for the first time since she was around 1year old!
She's thriving in school, and I know I'm biased, but she is so clever. Interested in everything. She knows basics about the heart, blood and digestive system. Mainly from her being nosey about my assignment!

It still amazes me what's happened in her life in the past 5 years, and you'd never believe it to look at her.
Her strength gives me strength to cope.

BUDGETING!!!

After last week when I posted I only spent £7 on veg and salad for the week I had lots of people asking me how.
There will be as many pictures attached as I can to illustrate how I've done this budgeting.

A few of you know we have had a very limited budget recently and this has meant me having to choose between the basics each week. Simple things like gas electric and food. Our income per week was £82.60 and that's to pay all bills, petrol, food, AND we have prepayment has and electric meters! Having to choose between the necessities has been hard so I started researching how to trim my costs back so I can at least afford food, gas and electric! I have compiled a list of things that were helpful to me, and put these into action.

I have to point out that obviously there is only me and Ash in our home, but shopping well you could make savings like we have no matter how large (or how big of an appetite) your family has!

On average our weekly food shop would be a minimum of £40. Lots of tinned and frozen foods. Convenience meals of sorts. All had to be cooked but it was literally bang it in the oven and you're done. On a budget as dire as £82.60 per week £40 on shopping is unrealistic!

We had a good amount of food in our cupboard an freezer (and other than cider, butter, milk and cheese our fridge was empty!)
One blog suggested making a list of everything in your cupboards so you can actually see what you have and not go and buy another tin of tomato soup because you didn't realise you had one behind the beans! (I found a tin of soup which expired 2011, it meant it had moved house with us and still not been eaten...mental note: don't buy soup)
It took a little time writing down everything I had on each shelf, the amount of each thing we have; but it also gave me a chance to clean and organise my cupboards!

From what we had in the cupboards I compiled a 4 week meal planner. Just seven meals per week that I can cook on any given day. So if I felt lazy I'd cook chicken nuggets, if I could be bothered we would have lasagne or casserole. It meant it was flexible and I could cook what we fancied that night and it not be so strict on what we are eating.
And most of you know how much I love my baking, I made a list of what baking ingredients I have too, along with other items that are on a shelving unit, as we don't have very good cupboard space.

At least once a week I put down a large, freezable meal so that I could make our dinner in a ping but it was still a good meal!
I also wrote a basic shopping list I would need each week, "milk, potatoes..." the bare basics. If I needed anything else, or to replace something we had used up I can add it to the list if necessary.
Last week we needed some basic staples, rice, lasagne sheets, and some spices which brought our overall total up but as the would last a long time it didn't make a huge dent to our monthly total.

Whilst doing the shopping some of the things we usually buy were out of stock, so I spent a little time looking for an alternative. Luckily our tuna was out of stock, but the expensive brand was on offer which was the same price as our normal brand tuna. If it hadn't have been on offer I would've left it off the list, we had 2 tins at home and it could wait a week.

DON'T JUST BUY THE NEXT BEST THING! It may look like a bargain but you could end up spending so much more. If its on offer, double check the offer date, compare the price to what you would usually buy, if it's the same or cheaper then by all means buy it! Also be careful of 3 for 2 and BOGOF offers, especially on fresh food. You may not use it all before it spoils and then it's a waste of food. If you can freeze it then BOGOF can be a great deal.
IF YOU KNOW you eat a lot of pasta, buy the big 3kg packs. Trust me, it saves you a small fortune! I have a glass jar in the kitchen that is filled with penne, and once it's gone I top it up from the big bag. Means your kitchen can still look pretty, but cal also be practical. I also have smaller jars for tagliatelle, rice and macaroni as we still use these, but in smaller quantities.

I found that going to a greengrocer for my fruit, vegetable and salad items has saved me a small fortune!! Before I couldn't afford much in the way of fresh foods when shopping at Tesco, it was priced way out of my range, and just getting potatoes for the week would cost a small fortune.

Last week at the grocer's we got new potatoes, baking potatoes, 2 large onions, lettuce, cucumber, spring onions- enough for over a week for the 2 of us, and it only cost £7 and three chicken breasts and 2 pork chops from the butcher for £6
This week we got baking potatoes, peppers, mushrooms, spring onions, sausages, cheese from the grocers for £10.31 and two large portions of mince for £5.30

I made a massive lasagne for dinner tonight, using one portion of the mince meat, and after our meal tonight we still have 4 meals left out of it. So they've been frozen ready for a lazy day!
After eating Everyday Value mince for years, having butchers mince for roughly the same price was amazing. The mince today was amazing and you can definitely tell the quality of the meat you're buying.

We have been going to Biddles for our fresh food (vegetables etc) and Butcher Boy for our meat. These are the closest to us, but also ones I have shopped in before. Obviously you all don't live near me, or have a car, but find what's best for you. There are lots of local shops that sell veg at reasonable prices, and ask friends and family if they know a good butcher. Most grocers and butchers also sell things like eggs, milk and cheese so you don't have to go to the big supermarkets. With my planning I would probably only have to go to a big supermarket for our tinned an frozen stuff once a month. Armed with a strict list!

A little side note...many of you know of my huge love (and slight addiction) to Cola, I only like the named brand Zero type. Knowing its an expensive item, I only ever buy it when of offer, and always check when the offer ends. If it ends in 2 weeks time I know within a few days a new offer will start. If there is one thing you cannot go without, budget for it. Buy it only when on offer. If its a good offer get 2/3 of them.
This week the 12 packs are on for £4 each, so I bought 2, knowing they'd last me a little while.

Also to cut down on travelling and petrol costs I don't go on a trip specifically for shopping, I will do it after or before the school run, so I'm not doing numerous little trips in one day, eating up my petrol and wearing out my tyres!

My motto has always been "get in get out" when food shopping. Mainly because I hate it!! I always get hit by trolleys and rude people and my patience for mankind dwindles quickly. I arm myself with a list, get my stuff, add up as I go along, have the CASH in my hand and won't spend over that amount.
Today I went to the shop before the school run. Went to the cashpoint, grocers and butchers. Had £20 and some shrapnel. 15 minutes and £15.61 later our weekly shop was done and I got to school early, had an actual parking space, and was playing games on my phone. I would call that shopping trip a success really.

Please feel free to leave a comment, ask a question! I'll be happy to answer any questions you may have...

Isn't it amazing?

Our lives can change in such a short space of time; one minute I've got a newborn, next I've got a toddler. Even now, I've got a child in SCHOOL! It's crazy!

Ash was tiny when she was born, she's still small now! I've managed to keep a few pieces of her baby clothes, and she can dress up het baby born doll in them. Honestly I can't remember her being so small other that the first time I held her. Sometimes I lie her in the same position to see just how big she is now. Instead of fitting comfortably on my thighs, her head dangles off the end of my knees,and nowhere feet even touch the top of my head!
She makes me laugh on a daily basis, and acts like a clown, she's so much like me it's scary. She was playing nicely in her room the other day, when she came in and she had tucked her old baby grow in the top of her onsie, and perched an old baby hat of hers on her head. She knew they were her baby clothes, and came running in saying "WOAH mummy I'm a giant now" made me laugh so much! She's big compared to how she used to be, but she is still teeny!

I love taking pictures of her, seeing how much she's growing, and being able to look back on the changes too. (Those of you who are on my Facebook will know this, and are probably fed up of the pictures!) Little things like I forgot she had a dummy, and so did she, looking back at them she looks so cute! Of course she's still cute, but now we have the temper tantrums and her thinking she rules the roost! I'm often confronted by the line " but moooooooommmm I'm FIVE!" It's like she's a teenager already! (That really is an age I'm dreading as I know how difficult I was as a teenager!
I was looking back through my Facebook albums the other day and found a bunch of pictures that just illustrated how much she's grown and changed. Thought I'd share these with you.

My girl is my pride and joy, she is my world and makes me strive to do better, and e the best for her. I was always shown you need a good work ethic to get where you want to be in life; I'm hoping my actions are teaching her the same.
Don't get me wrong, it certainly isn't all sunshine and butterflies, but without the bad, or the hard- you would never appreciate the good.

A journey back in time...

This is just to give you a little background of where we came from, and the things that have happened in the past 5-6 years. I know people who have had it a lot harder than we have,but what we've gone through is major for us.

A journey back in time...

Pretty much my whole pregnancy was straightforward (apart from scaring my mum by feinting in the middle of woolworths!) Labour, not so easy, not so straightforward. I was in slow labour for around a week, and hated every minute of it! I was finally admitted to hospital at 40+1 and was prepared for them to start me off that night. They didn't see the need to, even though I was exhausted and in agony they would only do a sweep. I burst into tears cus I just wanted it over with!
Little did I know I would be rudely woken up at 2:50am with the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life (up to that point anyway!) after 2-3 hours of no pain relief they offered me paracetamol. PARACETAMOL!!! That doesn't even work on a headache what that supposed to help with when I'm in labour?!?! Another hour and I guilted them into letting me have a TENs machine, my god was that a lifesaver! My mum was due to come in at 8am to be with me cus my girls dad was working. One midwife tried being nice to me but I was in so much pain I couldn't do or say anything (I later found out she's a relative of ours 😁) not long after my mum appeared I could not stop being sick, it was disgusting, and for my mum to deal so well with it when she can't stand it was amazing!
If I'm honest after that I don't remember much, I was so sick and so tired after I had meptid I was super drowsy too. These are the only parts I remember, I felt I'd been pushing for days (it had only been an hour) and when I was told she was going to cut me I had a go at her! I didn't want to be cut! Little did I know my girls heartbeat wasn't coming up fast enough between contractions and they were worried (months later I found out they were prepping us for a C-section) they decided to try a ventouse on her head to see if that helped, it was literally on there for seconds before she was actually born! (And she never had the egg head and bruise that usually comes with having the suction on their heads)
My girl came into this life, and showed her personality off right away. Couldn't be bothered to breathe but was holding her head up and looking around- nosey mare! She was taken from me for what seemed like forever, no cries and I was so scared. I'd seen her open her eyes, she'd looked around the room, why in the hell wasn't she breathing?! After (what was only a few seconds) she let out a winge and was done with her crying (for now!) she was TINY! I couldn't believe it, I was expecting a chunker but even the early baby clothes were too big on her. Ashleigh was born 21st December 2007 at 3:50pm.



Life ticked over for a few months, have the same struggles every new parent has, relationship difficulties, tiredness, NON STOP CRYING! And not just from Ashleigh!

Until she was around 4 months old.

She had been a little sickly during the day, and sleepier than usual. I was worried but thought she may just have a little bug and it would pass. Later that night I was playing with her hair when I noticed a large bruised lump of the side of her head, just behind her ear. I had no idea where it had come from, how it had happened, and knew head injuries were never a good thing especially if you're sick and sleepy. I called NHS Direct (after a long argument with her dad) and they were lovely, and said that they were going to get an ambulance to take us to hospital as its best to get it looked at (trying my best not to panic I told dad to go wait outside and flag the ambulance down) we lived around 300yards from the ambulance station so knew one wouldn't be long, and I was right.
The crew were amazing, calmed me down, held Ash while I got dressed and packed a bag. They told me to take formula and bottles etc cus it may be a long wait (little did I know this was their way of telling me she'd be admitted to hospital!!)
An unexplained skull fracture on a four month old child raises alarms. CPS and the police were involved, days in hospital, endless investigations and interviews. Many, many X-rays, to rule out child abuse. The only thing they could say was it was an unexplained injury, probably from a fall of about 1m. Nobody came forward to say they had accidentally dropped her, you have your suspicions but nothing can be done about those. We were eventually let home because the police, CPS and the hospital were all confident in me and my parenting skills.
Safe to say this put strain on an already bad relationship and we broke up. Which meant I was a young single mum, another hurdle to get over. A month after, Ash was taken off the vulnerable child list, and 5 months after that CPS ceased their involvement.

And everything returned to almost normal. We had court dates for custody, joint custody (both of which the courts laughed off) then for visitation. We eventually sorted a visitation schedule, but even that wasn't stuck to.
If I cancelled because Ash was really sick I got endless letters from him and his solicitor. If he cancelled because his fiancé's kids had a doctor appointment (he didn't drive by the way, and where we lived he could've easily picked up our daughter and took her with him) I would send a letter and get some ridiculous reply. Safe to say the visitation schedule wasn't working, he cancelled more than he saw her.

Then 3 days before my 21st birthday (Ash was 13 months old) she had her first seizure. It was the worst thing I've seen in my life. Your child, blue, not breathing, and fitting uncontrollably. Ambulance was called, and because I was on the phone with my brother when the seizure started, he made his way to mine to be with us. He got there before the ambulance!! He came to hospital with us, he spoke to family members and kept them updated as I was in no state to do so! At around 2am they discharged her saying she had a viral infection and due to a high temperature she suffered a febrile convulsion. Gave us some paracetamol and sent us on our way.
2 days later she suffered another seizure, this time I had to cope alone. It was even scarier than the first. My phone was non-stop and I had no answers. We was again discharged to the same explanation.
To cut a long story short, she suffered another 9 febrile convulsions between January and June. And in July she suffered another seizure. This time it felt different, and I was trying to convince the doctor to do tests, when she went into another fit, only 7 hours after her last. This had never happened before and she was admitted to hospital. They did an MRI, no bleeding on the brain (thank god!) they did an EEG, nothing significant showed on the test. This gave us no answers but the consultant she was allocated to asked how I felt about putting her an anti-epileptic medication. I didn't feel safe going home and her suffering another seizure to be back to square one again.
The medication worked wonders! She didn't suffer seizures, but these little things I later found out were absences, basically a mini-seizure. Then in November she got a stomach bug. Was sick at the "wrong" times, where I couldn't give her any more medication as it was too late after she took it to know how much was in her system. This time I knew she was going to have a seizure, and her Aunt and Nanny visited on her Aunt's birthday, and I said I think she's going to fit soon. 5 hours later they weren't surprised to get the text saying Ash was back in hospital. Because of the stomach bug, her levels of her medicine had dropped below a level where they were actually effective. It took days to get the medication to work, and she suffered 30+ seizures in that time. Her dad saw his first ever seizure then, and it was only the latter half of it. Looked like he was about to feint, he said he finally knew what we had gone through these past few months. When her medication levels were safe again, we was able to go home, and back to our normal life.

Her birthday went by, no drama, nice party with her cousins. And everything was great until Boxing Day, when her dad brought her back home. I said I was disappointed he didn't send a card or little present for her to open on her birthday, and he kicked off, swearing so violently (infront of Ash) and when I tried to close the door he kicked it back open on us. When I finally managed to move him to close the door I got us into the house and Ash wouldn't leave my side, I couldn't put her down. This was the first time I called the police on him, how dare he scare my child to the point where I can't set her down to nap, or play because she's scared stiff! The police were lovely, and said I didn't need to keep the contact order because of his aggressive behaviour and the fear for Ash's safety and if he would actually return her. I got in touch with my solicitor as soon as the opened again after Christmas and began the process to remove his rights. I did not want my child around someone like that. I was forced to begin the contact again else I could've faced jail time because it was a court order we had. (Ridiculous!) between January and April, he saw her once. He cancelled almost every contact session he had with her. And right as we was ready to send our application off to the courts, we received a letter. It said he no longer wanted to see Ash. Tried to blame me and said I put a barrier in between them and constantly cancelled (think he mixed the two of us up there!) The FUNNIEST part of the letter was "I will continue to send Ashleigh presents and cards for her birthday, Christmas, and special occasions". Considering he had not sent her anything since she was around 1, it made us all chuckle. She's now 5, and he's never sent her anything, not even a card.
Looking back, it's the best letter I've ever received.