Sleep, and lack of it!

I've been having trouble sleeping for quite some time, I can stay awake for 2-3 days at a time. Of course I'm knackered and zombiefied for the majority of this time, but I'm still awake. Recently I'd been able to sleep again normally, getting at least 6 hours a night, which is unusual for me at the best of times. But the past couple of days it's been a struggle again.
Last "night" I didn't get to sleep until after 4am, then I was awake from 7:30. I've been on the go all day.
⚫ School run, 8:45 until 9:15
⚪ Came home and began sorting out my room. I did LOADS! I've thrown out two bin bags of stuff I don't use or didn't even know I owned. I've got one basket left to sort out. Anything that doesn't have a "home" will be thrown. I did this all day. Sorting, throwing, cleaning, dusting, crafting. Next thing I knew it was time for the school run!
⚫ School run 2:30 until 3:45. I headed out slightly earlier than normal, mainly because I didn't want to lose track of time again. But it was lovely and sunny so thought I'd make the most of the warmth outside!

While I was waiting for the school gates to open, I had a phone call from my personal advisor. (I'd sent her an email last week about ways of gaining experience in areas I don't currently have any, but she's been off poorly) I told her I'd been offered a job, guaranteed hours, everything! Said contract was sorted between childminder and myself. We originally had an appointment booked for tomorrow but she has to go into hospital so couldn't keep it, but instead offered me an appointment if I could make it up to the job centre before 4pm. So I had to run home from the school, grab my purse, proof of childcare contract and costs, run up to town and get to the job centre. Was sat down by 3:45 which I think was good been as Ash didn't get out until 3:25.
⚪ All our paperwork was sorted, childcare paperwork for first week to be paid for, "better off calculation" then she asked if I needed any clothing to start work. My mind went blank so I said jeans and shoes. So I got a voucher for two pairs of jeans and either boots/ shoes or trainers from Matalan.
⚫Slight detour on the way home, 4:45 until 5:30 we was at Matalan.

By the time we got home we were both shattered! Ashleigh didn't want to do anything but watch a DVD, and I just needed to lie down as I had a headache! (Was very proud of myself for not falling asleep at that point which I quite often do if I'm tired at a random time, which doesn't help my bad sleep patterns!)
Ash only wanted Pasgetti for dinner, so I ping'd that and ping'd myself a mini pizza.
The rest of the evening I flitted between craft stuff and cleaning, as well as some organisational things for Scentsy.

Then the wall hit at 8pm, I was struggling to stay awake but needed to to get Ash off to bed! She wanted to watch Batman before bed, so I put it on in the living room and left her to it. When it finished I realised I hadn't seen her sneak into my room for some time, she'd fell asleep on the armchair all cuddled up! She looked so sweet. So I put her to bed.
NOW is the time I should be going to sleep, I should be shattered, beyond shattered after not stopping all day! But I'm now awake. Sure my body feels tired and I'm a little brain dead. But my mind can't switch off again for me to be able to fall asleep. Maybe if I did the last basket that'll bore me to sleep!

Really should go to the doctors about my lack of sleep :/
Wish I slept as much as Ashleigh!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel!

Finally I can see the light at the end I the tunnel. This light disappeared in January, returned February, then disappeared again until Friday.
If you've been reading my posts you'll know I've been struggling recently with one thing or another, the worst being finding a job. I applied everywhere, for anything, with no success.
The annual stress of whether my car would pass its MOT came, wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. And like last year I went to Sureparts to get the things needed to fix it and took them to my (amazingly brilliant) Dad so he could fix my car ready for the re-test. It was then that my (epically awesome) Dad said I should apply for a job at Sureparts, I have experience with shop work and now I'm old enough to be a driver for companies now. The next day I took in my CV, and left wondering if I'd hear back from them at all. The day after this I was sat in the MOT centre while my car was being retested, being nosey on Facebook (as I often am), and was thinking to myself when I may hear from Sureparts. It was freaky really because at that exact same time my phone rang with an interview offer for the next lunch time!! Honestly I was just so excited to be invited for an interview I let everyone know! Took me ages to decide what to wear for my interview, as always, and headed out to my interview.
(This is what i ended up wearing, i didn't want to go too girly!)

I thought it would be one of the managers interviewing me but it was one of the co-owners!!! He'd read my CV and was impressed with my experience and that I'd volunteered. Interview didn't even last 10 minutes but I left with a good feeling, and was told I'd know by the end of the day if I was successful. TWO HOURS later I get a phone call and a job offer!! I stayed as calm as I could on the call, but as soon as it ended I was jumping around the house dancing and laughing, trying to call and text as many people as I could, forgetting the majority of people to be quite honest in the excitement! I quite literally fell into this job, thanks to my (genius lovely) Dad suggesting it to me! The best thing is its FULL TIME hours, Mondays to Fridays and every other Saturday, no late finishes, guaranteed hours, bonus opportunities, and still the time to spend with Ash as she grows!
As you can probably tell I'm so thankful for my Dad, not only for fixing my car (again), but for suggesting this job to me. Sounds silly but I forget I'm over 25 now with a full driving licence so can do jobs like this!!

The light at the end of the tunnel that had disappeared not so long ago, is getting brighter each day. I'm ecstatic I've got a job. And this will help a lot of the other things fall into place. I just need to try and stay positive about the things that will get better, but will take time too.

Bit Lost

With everything going on at the moment I've felt a bit lost with everyday life. Finding it hard to get up and do normal everyday things because I know things aren't normal.

My sleep is all over the place because my mind is working overtime trying to mentally get a grip on everything. I am either awake until 7am then manage to get 3-4 hours until Ash gets up. Or I fall asleep about 10-11pm and am awake again by 3am. Both leave me drained and grouchy! I've been tempted to go and get sleeping pills from the doctor but have heard bad things about how the effect you, and if Ash needs me in the night will I be able to help her when I've taken a sleeping tablet? I know my doctor could answer all these questions for me but I guess I'm nervous about them asking even more questions and wanting to put me back on anti-depressants.

I'm still searching high and low for a job, without much luck. I honestly haven't for a clue why, I've got loads of experience and good qualifications, suppose in this climate people are nervous to hire. Who can blame them. But I hate being on benefits and wish I could get a job, pay my bills, and be able to afford to go out once in a blue moon. I've not been out with friends since CHRISTMAS EVE!! Me and Ash haven't done anything like a day trip for a long time.

I love that I do Scentsy, the money I earn from that is our "fun money" and I treat me and Ash to something little like a pizza, or Macdonalds, and put the rest into her savings account so we can do something fun in a few months. I love promoting a product I believe in and love myself! I hav used Scentsy myself for a long time, and because its a fairly new product in England I love showing it to new people. Not only that but the team I'm in are all fantastic. They're sweet and supportive and my Sponsor is an angel! They're more friends than colleagues.

I am worried though. I think Ash can tell I'm not myself, that I'm not happy mummy very much at the moment. She makes me cry when she turns to me and says "I just want you to be happy mummy" and "are you happy with me" I hate to think that she believes that my unhappiness is because of her, yes, she may drive me crazy, make me want to pull my hair out. But she is MY daughter and I love her unconditionally. Even though its been a hard 5 and a bit years I wouldn't change it for the world.

I'm trying to claw back normal life piece by piece, and I think I'm slowly getting there. Even if its just getting back on top of housework, or being able to sit down for ten minutes without thinking about the bad things too much.
I think the hardest thing is I'm alone. Yes I have Ashleigh here, but fundamentally I'm alone. I don't have a partner to turn to an talk about my concerns and worries, I seem to have lost my network of friends and can't turn to one and just cry about all the shit I've got built up inside. During the day when Ash is at school, I've got nobody to talk to, nobody to visit. When she comes home I cook dinner, watch a film with her and put her to bed. Then I'm alone again. I can't go visit anybody because I haven't got anyone here to look after Ash while I go see someone. I've got nobody here to talk to. Makes things worse knowing I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I prefer to be alone. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person. I'm glad I get EVERY weekend with Ashleigh and don't have to share her with her dad. I like that I'm the decision maker; if I say no it means no, she's got nobody to turn to and play us against each other. But a lot of the time I wish I had support. I had someone the other day say "you have support" and to call them if I need support. But if Ash starts misbehaving, me calling someone up to help deal with her isn't really helping. It shows her I can't cope and will make her act out more because she knows she can push me. I can really win either way but is prefer to deal with discipline myself, to let Ashleigh know what I say goes and if she doesn't stick to the rules she will miss out (either on films or sweets or chocolates until her behaviour improves). But again, if I had a partner, he could help me with this, if I needed it. I know what I've just said is somewhat contradictory but that's how life, and raising a child is. It's hard to find a decent guy who is willing to bring up your child as his own. (Even harder when she doesn't see her dad at all so I never have any set "down time") you see lairs taking on their boyfriends children all the time, even If they only see their children at weekends the girlfriends are still a big part of this child's life. It's harder to find a guy who will do that. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. Maybe if I actually had a life outside of this flat I might meet someone.

Mutual friends who take a fancy to me, either want only one thing, and are then surprised when I say no. (Just because I have a child doesn't mean I'm a slut.) or have a partner of their own and ask me to be a bit in the side. WHY would they think I'd like that? It's like saying, you're good, but not good enough.
I have a child to think about. She has a hard enough time trusting men because of what her dads put her through. I've had one boyfriend since me and Ashleigh's dad broke up, and he was fantastic, with me and Ash. Understanding of our situation, and most of all, Ash loved him. Now I'm not sure why exactly he ended the relationship. And it was hard trying to get over it whilst Ash was still asking to see him. Me and him still talk, he was supportive to me while Ash had her surgery and during her recovery afterwards. And we've spoke about going for a drink together. I've said yes, but I'm scared. What if I see him and it opens the box I closed. What if feelings come back and he just wants to be friends. What if he wants to get back together, I'll worry that 8 months down the line it'll all happen again. I know you never know until you actually meet up. I've got close to actually setting a date now but chickened out at the last minute.
Anyway I'm ranting on. Writing down each thought that comes into my head without caring what is actually being said. I don't even know if this makes sense but I'm hoping I'll feel better for writing it.