My sleep is all over the place because my mind is working overtime trying to mentally get a grip on everything. I am either awake until 7am then manage to get 3-4 hours until Ash gets up. Or I fall asleep about 10-11pm and am awake again by 3am. Both leave me drained and grouchy! I've been tempted to go and get sleeping pills from the doctor but have heard bad things about how the effect you, and if Ash needs me in the night will I be able to help her when I've taken a sleeping tablet? I know my doctor could answer all these questions for me but I guess I'm nervous about them asking even more questions and wanting to put me back on anti-depressants.
I'm still searching high and low for a job, without much luck. I honestly haven't for a clue why, I've got loads of experience and good qualifications, suppose in this climate people are nervous to hire. Who can blame them. But I hate being on benefits and wish I could get a job, pay my bills, and be able to afford to go out once in a blue moon. I've not been out with friends since CHRISTMAS EVE!! Me and Ash haven't done anything like a day trip for a long time.
I love that I do Scentsy, the money I earn from that is our "fun money" and I treat me and Ash to something little like a pizza, or Macdonalds, and put the rest into her savings account so we can do something fun in a few months. I love promoting a product I believe in and love myself! I hav used Scentsy myself for a long time, and because its a fairly new product in England I love showing it to new people. Not only that but the team I'm in are all fantastic. They're sweet and supportive and my Sponsor is an angel! They're more friends than colleagues.
I am worried though. I think Ash can tell I'm not myself, that I'm not happy mummy very much at the moment. She makes me cry when she turns to me and says "I just want you to be happy mummy" and "are you happy with me" I hate to think that she believes that my unhappiness is because of her, yes, she may drive me crazy, make me want to pull my hair out. But she is MY daughter and I love her unconditionally. Even though its been a hard 5 and a bit years I wouldn't change it for the world.
I'm trying to claw back normal life piece by piece, and I think I'm slowly getting there. Even if its just getting back on top of housework, or being able to sit down for ten minutes without thinking about the bad things too much.
I think the hardest thing is I'm alone. Yes I have Ashleigh here, but fundamentally I'm alone. I don't have a partner to turn to an talk about my concerns and worries, I seem to have lost my network of friends and can't turn to one and just cry about all the shit I've got built up inside. During the day when Ash is at school, I've got nobody to talk to, nobody to visit. When she comes home I cook dinner, watch a film with her and put her to bed. Then I'm alone again. I can't go visit anybody because I haven't got anyone here to look after Ash while I go see someone. I've got nobody here to talk to. Makes things worse knowing I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I prefer to be alone. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person. I'm glad I get EVERY weekend with Ashleigh and don't have to share her with her dad. I like that I'm the decision maker; if I say no it means no, she's got nobody to turn to and play us against each other. But a lot of the time I wish I had support. I had someone the other day say "you have support" and to call them if I need support. But if Ash starts misbehaving, me calling someone up to help deal with her isn't really helping. It shows her I can't cope and will make her act out more because she knows she can push me. I can really win either way but is prefer to deal with discipline myself, to let Ashleigh know what I say goes and if she doesn't stick to the rules she will miss out (either on films or sweets or chocolates until her behaviour improves). But again, if I had a partner, he could help me with this, if I needed it. I know what I've just said is somewhat contradictory but that's how life, and raising a child is. It's hard to find a decent guy who is willing to bring up your child as his own. (Even harder when she doesn't see her dad at all so I never have any set "down time") you see lairs taking on their boyfriends children all the time, even If they only see their children at weekends the girlfriends are still a big part of this child's life. It's harder to find a guy who will do that. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. Maybe if I actually had a life outside of this flat I might meet someone.
Mutual friends who take a fancy to me, either want only one thing, and are then surprised when I say no. (Just because I have a child doesn't mean I'm a slut.) or have a partner of their own and ask me to be a bit in the side. WHY would they think I'd like that? It's like saying, you're good, but not good enough.
I have a child to think about. She has a hard enough time trusting men because of what her dads put her through. I've had one boyfriend since me and Ashleigh's dad broke up, and he was fantastic, with me and Ash. Understanding of our situation, and most of all, Ash loved him. Now I'm not sure why exactly he ended the relationship. And it was hard trying to get over it whilst Ash was still asking to see him. Me and him still talk, he was supportive to me while Ash had her surgery and during her recovery afterwards. And we've spoke about going for a drink together. I've said yes, but I'm scared. What if I see him and it opens the box I closed. What if feelings come back and he just wants to be friends. What if he wants to get back together, I'll worry that 8 months down the line it'll all happen again. I know you never know until you actually meet up. I've got close to actually setting a date now but chickened out at the last minute.
Anyway I'm ranting on. Writing down each thought that comes into my head without caring what is actually being said. I don't even know if this makes sense but I'm hoping I'll feel better for writing it.
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