It is times like this though that make me realise what few friends I actually have. As I've grown up and as Ash has got older a lot of the people I've considered friends have grown apart. I feel alone a lot of the time anyway, because I am literally alone the majority of the time. Some "friends" aren't interested in talking to me or seeing me if I can't go out on the piss. Others don't bother talking to me at all because in the past I've had to say no a lot to going out because of a serious lack of money. Others have moved on in their own lives and got married and had more children, whereas I'm still the lone parent bringing up one child.
I'm still single so I don't have a partner to turn to to console in, or just to spend quiet time with. It's amazing how much you can miss sitting quietly on the sofa watching a film, curled up with someone you love. Miss stupid chatter with. Miss doing the chores with! I was hoping at my age to have at least gotten engaged, maybe moved in with someone. Been thinking of having another child. Instead, I'm alone, watching a film, wishing I had someone to talk to.
Friends say they're always there for you, but don't reply if you want to talk. I've given up trying half the time because it's worse being ignored by people you thought were there for you, than actually knowing you're alone. I know I'm alone I deal with this fact daily.
I often have people say "but you've got Ash" they have NO idea what it's like to raise a child completely alone, to be making all the important decisions alone. Come bed time, I'm sat alone in a quiet living room with nobody to talk to.
Yes this is a self loathing post, yes I'm whinging about some things people may be grateful for. But I literally have nowhere else to turn.
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